The Soldiers' Stories: 'I go to bed with death each night'

Just before former Spec. Jamie Bender photographed the above services for four dead soldiers she had known, an officer ordered her to quit crying. Dry-eyed, she took this picture and began building an emotional barrier that still remains.

Eight friends killed in Iraq within a week — plus a direct order not to cry at their memorial services — took a toll on former Spec. Jamie Bender: nightmares, flashbacks, thoughts of suicide.

"I go to bed with death each night," said the former U.S. Army combat photographer from Great Falls.

"I began to build a wall that I still have," said Bender. "It's hard for me to connect with people, to trust. I almost don't feel people are real."

After 13 combat incidents within eight months, Bender was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and discharged with a 90 percent disability.

PTSD is an increasingly common disability.

More than one-third of the returning Iraq and Afghanistan vets seek treatment for combat-related disorders, a number far larger than the Veterans Administration anticipated.

Just two years ago, the Army figured that one in eight soldiers exhibited symptoms of PTSD. The latest report by the Veterans Health Administration suggests that as many as one-third of soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan may have PTSD.

"Combat equals trauma," said Eric Kettenring, counselor at the Missoula Vet Center.

The Walter Reed Army Institute of Research found that PTSD frequently leads to aggressive behavior, alcohol abuse and marital problems.

"The yearly divorce rate among U.S. Army soldiers doubled between 2001 and 2003," said Kettenring. "Among officers, it tripled."

Treatment may take six months to a year for those with moderate damage who seek help early, said Michael Mason, chief counselor at the Center for Mental Health (formerly Golden Triangle Community Mental Health).

"More severe cases may take much longer," he said. "We're still working with Vietnam vets, many of whom have been in treatment most of their adult lives."

The VA is boosting its staff, but there are waiting lines for vets to get help, say Great Falls counselors.

"There are no bad guys here," said Christine Krupar, a former police officer who specializes in PTSD treatment in Great Falls. "But the government just is not equipped to handle the workload."

Bender's wounds

Bender, now 37, was making $6 an hour when she joined the Army for better pay and benefits.

She was assigned to the 1st Brigade Combat Team of the 1st Infantry Division at Fort Riley, Kan., then was deployed to Iraq in 2003.

Her assignment as a public information specialist brought her particularly close to the action. She wrote about — and photographed — her unit's soldiers in the Ramadi area.

"I went out into combat and took pictures of the action," she said. "When we had suicide bombings, I took pictures so the commanders could evaluate the situation and make changes in their security."

But her professional detachment was rattled when a bomb struck the vehicle in front of hers in a convoy.

Four young soldiers were killed in the truck — all people that Bender had written earlier news releases about. She took a picture of one dying soldier being taken away naked on a stretcher.

"That evening, it hit me like a ton of bricks," Bender said. "I thought that this job was going to kill me."

At the memorial service a few days later, tears slid down her face until a superior officer pulled her aside.

"He told me I could never show emotion in front of my men and that if I couldn't control my emotions, I'd be taken off the job," she said.

Determined not to let her unit down, she photographed the service dry-eyed.

"Later that same day, another IED (improvised explosive device) killed another four soldiers that I knew," she said.

Again, she shot pictures of the wreckage, the bodies and the memorial services — and again she did her duty dry-eyed.

There were other incidents in Iraq, including people she may have killed, which she's not yet strong enough to talk about.

"But now I know that if I'm threatened, or if my children are threatened, I'm capable of killing someone," said Bender. "And I hate that. It feels like a foreign object inside me."

Read the rest at the Great Falls Tribune