The Soldiers' Stories: Routine helps loved ones pass painful time alone

Lt. Joe Lane was home for mid-tour leave in January to be with wife Toshua for the birth of daughter Cadence. He returned to Iraq a week after she was born. Now she’s almost one year old.

500,025,600 minutes. 365 days. 52 weeks.

One year.

No matter how you slice it, it’s a long time. It’s about how long my husband has been deployed in Iraq.

At the beginning of the deployment, time was my enemy. I just tried to get through each day. Sometimes, it was a minute-by-minute battle. Then, Tim, my husband, a first lieutenant with the 3rd Brigade of the 4th Infantry Division, said, “Don’t count the days. Make the days count.”

I realized I couldn’t stop living. So I tried to occupy every moment of the day with something, anything,so I wouldn’t think about how much time I had left until my husband would get home. I packed so much into a day that I burned myself out.

Eventually, I got into a routine. The routine became my safety net. For example, I planned one thing each month — a trip with friends or a visit with family — to have something to look forward to.

I even trained for and competed in a triathlon. Other military spouses asked me how I did it.

“It’s a lot like a deployment,” I said. “You just take it in steps. You think, ‘I’ve just got to get through this mile,’ just like in a deployment where you think, ‘I’ve just got to get through this week.’ If you think about all that you’ve got ahead of you, you won’t get through it.”

At the end of January, my sense of time became warped. I thought: It’s almost February. February is in the spring. He’s coming home for his mid-tour leave in spring. He’s almost home! The reality was he wasn’t coming home for his mid-tour leave until the last week in May.

As the end of the deployment nears, I think about all the things my husband has missed: Christmas, ski season, my birthday, summer barbecues, fall colors. Friends have gone from dating to married since he’s been gone. Other friends are now parents. My husband hasn’t met some of my closest friends.

“I know I’ve missed out on a lot and we’ve sacrificed a lot, but we haven’t sacrificed as much as other people,” my husband said.

Lt. Joe Lane wanted a little girl for a long time. When his wife, Toshua, became pregnant and they found out their second child would be a girl, Lane was both happy and sad.

He came home for his mid-tour leave in January for the birth of Cadence. He held her every second until he returned to Iraq, a week after she was born.

Now, when Lane sees pictures of his daughter, he can hardly believe his eyes. Gone is the tight-eyed peanut he once held with one arm. Cadence is almost a year old.

“I feel bad because he’s missed out on all of it,” said Toshua Lane. “She’s going to be walking by the time he gets home. I can’t wait to see Joe’s face when he sees her, but she’s not going to recognize him, and that’s sad.”

Haylee Grace Ellwood was born just days before her daddy, Capt. Brian Ellwood, deployed to Iraq. Brie Ellwood, his wife, sends her husband DVDs every month so he can see his first child grow. She also plays a tape recording of Brian Ellwood reading a book to Haylee every night so she will recognize his voice when he gets home.

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